I Can't Let Go

Christmas years ago.

Yes, it's been a year since the man of my life left for another journey. 

I can still remember lighting candles that afternoon, trying so hard to keep them burning, praying, crying, not knowing what to think. I can still remember trying to divert my mind from that unwanted thought and emotion, arriving home really late and trying my hardest to sleep but failed. 

I can still remember the next morning when we found out that my father has passed away. Until now, I could not begin to describe how I felt. And until now, I'm still convincing myself that he had to leave to be free from any pain. And with that, I'm trying my hardest to accept reality. But still, letting go is too painful.

It still feels so fresh and so long ago - all at the same time. I miss you, Pa. Every day. 

P.S. 
It's been a long, unpleasant day. 
I'm listening to some songs on shuffle and this played:

i will stand by you, i will help you through
when you've done all you can do, and you can't cope
i will dry your eyes, i will fight your fight
i will hold you tight, and i won't let go

Right now, Pa, I'm unable to cope. I'm trembling and I just might stop fighting anytime. Please, help me through.

P.P.S.
There's this lump that's been lounging in my throat the whole day. Maybe it's time to just cry this all out.

I love you. And words are failing me. 

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