Shine On Me

Here I am again - lost and confused. I have had this feeling about 4 months ago before I started working. And like before, I need to vent out. There may be a lot of factors for this feeling, and I hope I'd be able to find them all, and understand myself, and find peace within me.

I have always thought that when I graduate College, I’d be able to find a path that would unfold for me, one that I’d eventually take without hesitations. But I guess I have watched too much movies and read too much books that I thought it was easy. Because right now, I’m seeing it is not. I have never dreamt of being a Nurse, but I took it anyway. And I admit, I have learned to love my Profession; but building my own Career? That’s another story. And I’d have to work on that, very soon. I’m thinking, how? Should I just stop, and see if a door would open up for me? Or should I push all windows open, and see if I’d have any chance to get in? I’m thinking, but I don’t know. As usual, this is what I can say right now: I don’t know.

Commitment. I have always thought about this. I have always believed that as long as you believe and you are committed to something, you’d always find a way to pursue it. And then again, I have heard it from my elder sister a month ago; and now, my brother. We may have been talking about different topics, but it all concludes to the same thing. I’m not committed enough. And I know that very well. It is one thing about finding a job, another is keeping a job. Finding – as with being a nurse; and keeping – as with what I have now.

I definitely want a job that would make me feel like I'm alive, and fulfilled everyday, and I have never felt that way towards my current job. It’s literally work – like exerting effort, and a means to earn. I admit one thing that is affecting me too negatively now is the way I see it from the very first day, and the way I'm handling it up to this moment. Pessimism. Unwillingness. I start the shift telling myself how tired I already am, and asking when I can quit. That is why. And now that I have already declared that I would need to quit my job, I am still feeling too low and too withdrawn from work. Aside from the effects of the medication, I know it’s my mind’s work. And I may regret it pretty soon. But I hope that when regret shadows in, I’d find the light soon enough.

Light, I need you, now. Oh, God.